It is NFL Playoffs time again. Every weekend, the TV schedule is filled with several football games, and if you are like me, you will find that your Spouse/ Significant Other (henceforth known as SO) has now turned into a fixed attachment on the couch. All attempts to speak to said person or invitations to go out are futile.
SO will stare intently at the television screen, sitting completely motionless, making you wonder if you should check for a pulse. But just when you approach the couch, SO will leap in the air and utter a blood-curdling shriek. No, wild animals have not invaded your home. The Colts have just scored a touchdown.
Make no mistake, I am speaking as someone who loves sports. I love watching cricket and basketball and even football, NFL style. But I do object to spending all my weekends with the television set blaring at 200 decibels and a SO-turned-couch accessory who gives me periodic heart attacks.
What to do in such a situation? It would be great if SO’s team lost in the Playoffs, but sometimes even that does not help. SO will continue to watch other teams.
I am sure I am not alone. There are millions suffering silently like me. So, to all of you suffering millions (or at least the lucky ones who read this blog), I am going to disclose the 7 strategies I have devised to survive the Playoffs.
Basically, the aim is to make sure SO loses all interest in NFL football, or atleast in watching the Playoffs. (If there are any SOs reading this, now is your cue to stop reading and go away).
The modus operandi is devilishly simple – watch the game with SO. Express great interest in learning the finer points of the game. Then, proceed to start unveiling the strategies one after another.
The Seven Strategies for Surviving NFL Playoffs:
1. Make stupid comments.
This one is the easiest and does not need any practice. Some examples are -
“Great! The runningback got sacked !!”
Follow up question: “What, only quarterbacks get sacked ? Why is it just a tackle when the runningback gets sacked ? ” “How can they kick a field goal immediately after a touchdown (Hint: It’s the extra point.)
“Why do they call it football anyway ? Shouldn’t it be called throwball or holdball ?”
2. Interrupt with celebrity gossip.
Some examples are – “I don’t like the Patriots because Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend.”
“Did you hear the latest about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson ?”
“Do you know, Randy Moss has been charged with battering his girlfriend ?”.
This strategy involves a little more active effort. But the material is readily available in all newspapers and magazines. Plus, football players provide continuous fodder for this.
For best effect, this strategy should be used just when the player in question is making an important play.
3. Ask lots of questions – after all you are trying to understand the finer points of the game.
“Does a sneeze constitute a false start ?”
“In how many ways can you rough the passer ?”
“How does the referee decide it is ‘unnecessary roughness’ ?”
This is actually a valid question. I mean, in a sport where players ram into each other, lift one another bodily and bash each other all the time, which of the roughness is “necessary” and which is “unnecessary” ?
4. Learn useless trivia about the game and unleash it at strategic moments.
For instance, when the referee is announcing a game-changing penalty, you can say something like -
“Shall I tell you why referees wear those striped uniforms that look like prisonwear ?”
5. Share your thoughts and expert opinions. Aren’t your opinions important too ?
Comment on the way the referee announces penalties. Compare with cricket umpires and how much better they look.
Comment on the players’ uniforms. Bright Purple ? Really ? And those tigers’ stripes ? What’s with those super-tight pants ?
6. Comment on the nomenclature:
Why do they call him a tight end ?
Does the runningback have to run backwards ?
Did Michael Vick invent the pooch kick ?
The nose guard is a guy ?!!!
7. Come up with conspiracy theories :
This game is fixed ! They should look into who took the money !
The defensive lineman is on steroids ! Who knows, you may even turn out to be right.
No doubt, your SO will not like this constant interruption. He/ she is likely to rave, rant and threaten bodily harm.
Stay calm. Put on your most innocent expression and explain that you are actually very interested in understanding the game. How else can you share the SO’s enthusiasm for the game ?
SO will retreat, completely baffled.
Lather, Rinse and Repeat every weekend. From long experience, I can predict that the outcome will be one of these scenarios:
Scenario 1: The SO will give up watching football in sheer resignation and agree to go out for a movie/ shopping/ do whatever you want;
Scenario 2: SO will decide to leave the home and watch the rest of the game in a bar (or threaten to do so);
Scenario 3: SO will run off to friends’ places on weekends.
Of course, Scenarios 2 and 3 are less-than-optimal solutions here, but they are better than the Base Case. And hey, even in these scenarios you get to watch your favorite weekend programs and relax at home without all that noise !
But if you really want to do it right, you should aim for Scenario 1. Then, you can say (silently to yourself), TOUCHDOWN !!!
Technorati Tags: NFL, Football, Playoffs, Humor , Colts, Patriots
Tonflourbroab
Savvy Aggarwal
Maria
Arindom Borah
erydaytrams
#1, of course, is the all time classic strategy.
hahaha. good ones!
I especially am tickled pink with 4. So do you know why they look like prisoners? Am serious? Why? Ive always wondered… better yet, lemme ask my son and husband next time they are glued to the screen.
Oh ye of such unshakable faith in such diversionary tactics! As a SO & NFL fan, let me tell you: such tactics will only result in Scenario #4, “Temporary Deafness towards any audio that is not from the TV”, also known as the “Mute Wife Button.”
You may even notice the decibel level rising from 200 to 220. By the by, did you know that the decibel scale is logarithmic?
Besides, it is only 16 weekends of the year that the NFL exists. He is available for the remaining 36 (ok, I am skipping past the Thursday games, but that’s just details).
Sigh, only two more weekends before the NFL season finishes. After that, the long hard winter until September.
BPSK
p.s. ?unnecessary roughness? usually applies to roughness used after the play is complete. Not all the time though.
@tabula rasa: That was hilarious ! I thought I had seen all versions of the Wassup ad but this one is new.
@rads: They wear it to stand out from the players. Teams wear white or dark colors, but no team in the NFL wears vertical dark color-and-white stripes.
@BPSK: I can see you speak from experience
NFL may last 16 weekends, but then there is Pro basketball, college basketball, baseball…and of course, cricket
I wonder if there are any sports-free weekends at all in the year ! Not to mention the Thursday games, the Monday/ Wednesday college basketball games..
Quite hilarious and reflects almost all my thoughts before I used to understand the game. I can see how it may piss off SO.
Lekhni..this is touchdown hilarious!….must be fun watching SO looking blackly at the screen I guess…for all my hubby says not interested in cricket…when the d day comes…he walks around looking at the tv and can expect him to bang on something…that is if its during the day..ifs its night…you wont’ find him move an inch from the sofa…now the kids have ensured he doesn’t’ indulge in any such things!..hehhee..
btw beautiful header really! suits you..very apt for your blog name! Did you do this yourself?…
So funny! I’m lucky, my SO is not football obsessed. His obsessions is mostly with cricket, which happens during the night when I’m fast asleep (and he knows better than to wake me up with inane updates!).
Kamini
So funny! I’m lucky, my SO is not football obsessed. His obsession is mostly with cricket, which happens during the night when I’m fast asleep (and he knows better than to wake me up with inane updates!).
Kamini
He,he- this is what you’d do ‘pre-children’. Post, it will be, persuade kids to snack on Doritos with hubby, while you gallop off to the nearest Saks, Macy’s for a secret tryst and shopping orgy with your girlfriends.
I’m suspicious of your actual level of interest: you have a lot of knowledge of the game. Are you a closet “carryball” fan?
Be careful comparing football unfavorably to cricket. If you get him interested in cricket, I hear some of the test matches can last for a week. That’s just crazy.
Also, watch out for Scenario 4: in desperation SO breaks up in order to view the games undisturbed.
I was conditioned as child to be fanatical about both college and pro football, but somehow I broke the brainwashing. Now I hardly watch football. Good luck with your efforts. Very amusing post.
Football? What’s that?
That’s damn funny. But you overly underestimate a husband’s ability to withstand wifely attacks if the alternative is to not watch football. Plus, it is very easy for a husband to go into autopilot mode while watching the game.
These are hilarious! Even though I don’t have an SO, and I’m actually the one watching football right now. I especially like the first and sixth ones.
hahaha…i just survived Playoff Sunday by leaving hubby alone with the TV while I was off shopping. Dono khush!
I need coping strategies for test matches. Snore.
He he he,
Am sure my Missus would pretty much have the same suggestions to give whenever there is an India cricket match going on.
Both me and my Dad hog the TV for the entire duration of the game including the lunch and tea breaks in between and not just that, we also switch on to News channels to follow up on the analysis of the game that we just watched by the ball.
Cheers………….Jam
I have long maintained that football is nothing but an excuse for bisexual and homosexual men to make out with each other. Nothing wrong with that of course, but think of all the so called ‘macho’ men who watch the sport to spur on their virility. I mean c’mon, as you said, a term like tightback, skin tights, and fluorescent jerseys, sweating men waiting to pounce of one another at the drop of a hat. Cricket is catching up on the jerseys though with the ICL, especially considering homosexuality is so repressed in India.
Patrix: I do understand the game, but it does not change my opinion about some things like the uniforms or the terminology
Srivalli: Yes, my very own efforts
Do you like it? I experimented with photoshop.
Kamini: You are lucky. R does wake me up to tell me the score, but you know that.
Sujatha: I see you speak from experience
????: I am still not sure about the “fan” part but I do watch every game (unwillingly, but do I have a choice?)
km: I meant throwball/carryball/ holdball.
gawker: Yes. The autopilot seems to be the default mode these days. Even when not watching football
Kycoo: Thanks
Chakli: This is good advice. I can see that you guys (Sujatha and you) have it all figured out
Manish: I snooze too (especially since the matches go on till late in the night). Can always depend on crowd noise to wake you up. Or did you mean you dislike Tests? What!!
Jam: Tut. Tut. This is exactly why wives turn to those K series soaps whenever they get the TV remote. But wait, you mean after watching the post-match analysis on TV, you do NOT then take the laptop away from your wife and read every blogger’s analysis of the game ?
ArSENik: A Bong is dissing football (in whatever form) ? What is the world coming to?
Eii…don’t even think about referring to this perversion as phutball, Mohun Bagan ki kasam!
This is so funny… The game is addictive though.. I remember a stage during my single days (sigh) when I started with College Football and ended with Monday Night…
Fortunately my wife didnt have to invent strategies ’cause we moved back to Asia…
I did have major withdrawal issues though.. figuring out what to do on weekends.. I agree with BPSK… Scenario 1 will not happen…
ArSENik:
Vijay: I know exactly what you are talking about. I am glad your wife got lucky with the Asia move. Or perhaps she might use a “7 strategies” that deals with cricket ?
Scenario 1 will happen, don’t worry. The beauty of it is, you guys won’t even realize it when it happens